[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
