Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

pep talk

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests