Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

you stereotypes are all alike

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.