Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

How your email finds me

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator