Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*