Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.