Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about