Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Math at Halloween.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

I wanna be friends with this person

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh