Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

A Monday every week is excessive

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*