*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat