Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.