Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
