Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

◾️

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Sorry. Not sorry

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.