Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.