Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Does it…does it take 3 days

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.