Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.