Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Arrest that man!
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
