Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER