Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
We have a winner.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’