Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Husband of the year 😂

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.