Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

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I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting


My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.


If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind


Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car


Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.


Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”