@envydatropic

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

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@HumbleTeej

I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@breadzeppellin

Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”