Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!


A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.


One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it


“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”

ME: Ok great

*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*


What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?


There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3