Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Ron is short for Aaronald

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.