Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

aesthetic

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

I’m not proud

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.