Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Pikachu found the lost joint
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back