Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

A ghost story