Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Hey i am sexy to you now

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*