Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson![]()
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage