Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s