Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.