Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
You Might Also Like
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.