Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.