Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

this is the news I live for

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Did I do this right