Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

english majors be like furthermore

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them