Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.