Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING