Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
favorite tropes as memes