Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.