Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
respect
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years