Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.