Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.