Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.