Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

School be like

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!