Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.