Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.