Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

😂😂

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

it’s either covid or clever vampires

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.