Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
opening twitter today
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.