Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.