officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
so this horse walks into a bar
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.