Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

no!! no!!!!!!

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?