Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.