Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You Might Also Like
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?