Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Banking tips
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
motivation
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad