Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is fried chicken

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.