Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
that colleague who touches your screen
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge