Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]