Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.