Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds about right! 💯
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*