Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

ㅤ

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.