Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

is he marrying that labradoodle

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

But wait…

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.