Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.