Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
how do y’all walk in shallow water
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.