Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Harsh but fair

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Rooting for the overdog

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I hope this email finds you in a well

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

you stereotypes are all alike

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.