Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

😏😏😏

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords