today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
You Might Also Like
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.