Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today