@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

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@mack44_d

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@gellaray

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@daemonic3

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.