WHO DID THIS?! 😂🙌🏼
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.