Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Stop.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):