Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.![]()
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Actually cracking up @ this
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“I FIXED IT!”
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Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.