Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

You might just have to resign…

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.