Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?