Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

i wish i could marry a nap

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Eggs benadryl my favourite

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“