Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Google it does not

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

As per my previous tablet…

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.