Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Beauty and the Beast

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!