Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
always be there
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!