Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit