Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

This is enough internet for the day.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.