Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Plant care tips
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”