Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

We found love in a hopeless place.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

happy mother’s day❤️

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.